Arnold the Pygmy Puff
by starlinc
Summary: What really happened to Arnold the Pygmy Puff?


Throughout history, the most royal, the most fantastic, the most magical, the most utterly perfect-in-every-way species has graced us with it's presence. . . . I raise my metaphorical glass, and tip my invisible hat, and salut with my(thankfully visible) hand to those magnificent people, the Pygmy Puffs.

They have so clearly influenced us throughout history, in Shakespeare; "Oh Pygmy Puff, oh Pygmy Puff, where art thou fair Pygmy Puff.

In monuments; How do you think the tower of Piza became leaning?(Loud crunch in the background) "Oops, I really have to lay off the sweets. . . ." : A Pygmy Puff leaned on it.

In fairy tales; "Fee Fi Fo with Fluff, I smell the breath of Pygmy Puff!" "Ooh, a chicken that lays gold-wrapped chocolate eggs. Die, Giant, Die!"

Until finally, a young protegee pygmy puff was born into the loud and completely full shop of Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley. He soon got used to his busy life of sudden Bangs! and "Squeaks!", and random flashes of bright light. He had gotten used to complete strangers scooping him up, and cooing at him in a vomit-worthy way. Used to little children, poking him with fake wands, and getting pelted with rubber chickens, and squeezed as they picked him up until his eyes bugged out, and then being thrown down again as they ran off towards the next unfortunate object that had caught their attention. He was soon used to it, but didn't much like it.

One day however, Flame-hair came to shop. The other humans called her "Ginny" , but they were humans, so he didn't bother taking that name into consideration for this young woman who he thought had, and this is very rare for a human, some potential.

Arnold's P.O.V.

Flame-hair was discussing boy-toys with Mr.&Mr. Weasley. From what I could see, Flame-hair was their sister. I didn't see why it bothered the Mr.'s that boy-toys were attracted to Flame-hair. If only there was a She-Pygmy Puff with that particular hue. But no.

Then(and I was getting quite excited at this point), Flame-hair came in my direction. As she scooped me up, she didn't use the baby voice that most stomach sickening people used. She spoke softly, but with a certain air of whimsical joy, at the shop, at life, and at me, her soon-to-be commander.

That was how I gained my first follower, and how Flame-hair also received the title: Food-Bringer. Eventually, we learned to communicate, and that was how my story began, though in the written, and much more publicized version, written by J.K. Rowling(who is biased because she is still mad at me from when I didn't give her any of my homemade peanut-butter cookies), that is where I began to trail off into small and insignificant side roles, before I had even begun my tale.

Food-bringer was very popular. Much to my dismay, she continued to date the Pushy-Boy, who humans call Dean. He wasn't right for her. I would frequently suggest she ditch him and start dating Harry Potter, who I call Treat-giver. He would always feed me chocolate when his friend Bossy-Book-obsessed(who is thankfully un-interested in him, and much more attracted to their other friend, and Food-bringer's brother, Boy-with-shameful-obsession-with-Chudley-Cannons(have he no taste?!)) isn't looking and therefore can't tell him not to give me sweets.

Food-Bringer's other friends are Ploverle-Snorkack(I'm afraid to ask) and Neville(I call him his human name because he brings me bacon for snacks, so I won't be mean).

Food-Bringer brings me to all her classes. The teachers' used to complain, especially Dog-food and Yoda. But then, Yoda actually got to meet my adorable self, and he changed his mind. He talked to Dog-food to, and she just ignores me now.

Unfortunately, Treat-Giver apparently wasn't going to court Food Bringer yet. Which was so stupid. I mean, they both brought me food! They were clearly meant to be. But no. Food-Bringer for some reason, kept on associating with That-Boy. Him. Dean, humans call him. They must be separated. At least I don't have to deal with last years fiasco. I've heard rumors. Whiny-Girl. Cho Chang. What a cry baby. At least That Boy is better than Sore-Loser(Michael Corner).

It became my mission to split That Boy and Food-Bringer up. They were all wrong for each other, and apparently I was the only one to see that. I would push Food-Bringer and make like it was That Boy(because he did push her through the portrait hole quite often. Git. She can walk by herself!). Constant firm talking-tos about their differences in Food-Bringer's ear helped the cause. Finally. . . the much awaited day arrived. It wasn't a bad day. There was a Quidditch match to be had. We won the cup. That Boy broke his glass. C.C.-Obsessed looked like someone had hit him. I looked over. Treat-Giver and Food-Bringer were kissing.

Triumph was welling up and boiling over inside of me. I watched with pride as my handiwork walked outside to take a stroll around the Black Lake.

This happiness lasted only a few weeks. Then Dumbledore was murdered, and then, at Lemon Drop's funeral, Treat-Giver parted ways with Food-Bringer. Insensible, overly noble, foolish boy.

Then, the summer. There was a wedding to be had. Phlegm and Bill(A/N: has anyone ever noticed that Bill, who works a t Gringotts Bank, happens to have a name that is another word for money?) were getting married. It was so weird. I mean, Phlegm? Food Bringer wanted Bill to get married to Tonks originally. I can't blame her, Tonks is much nicer. However, she is married to Fuzzy-Wuzzy(was a were(wolf), Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair(just fur), so Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, wuz he?).

Then, as Treat-Giver, Bossy Book-Obsessed, and Ginger Head embarked on a journey to go hunt for Horcruxes, I followed to find a way to ensure their return(and Treat-Giver's promptu marriage to Food-Bringer).

First, there was Grimauld Place, and Grumpy-Elf was there. That was great. Then we went to the Ministry. Who was it who snatched the locket from the Old-Hag, and told Treat-Giver to put a fake in it's place? Duh, silly reader(though you are a human, so I won't hold it against you), that would be me.

The following events were a little yucky;

_We apparated to Grimauld Place. Yaxley let go. I knew at once what the trio did not. He was now a secret keeper. "We have to leave!" I whispered urgently in Bossy-Book-Obsessed's ear._

_She apparated us to a stretch of forest, whisked away from Yaxley and the kidney pie that we wouldn't get to eat that Kreacher was happily making. A gruesome sight was ahead of us. C.C.-Fan had been splinched. Treat-Giver handed a vial of essence of dittany to B.B.O._

And more time passed. Eventually Stupid-Boy(formerly known as Chudley Cannons Fan) left. I remember him throwing down the locket, striding out of the tent, and looking quite livid as he did that. Smart-Girl(formerly known as Bossy-Book-Obsessed) ran out after him. Treat-Giver and I looked at eachother, him furious, and I, just very worried. Smart-Girl came back in, crying, and announced that Stupid-Boy had disapparated. Nincompoop.

In the gap, I communicated with Smart-Girl and Treat-Giver, and over time, they to became my loyal subjects. One day, after a delicious dinner of tinned pears(the humans also had other stuff, but I just feisted on the fruit), Treat-Giver boldly suggested that we go to Godrics Hollow. Smart-Girl agreed, though for different reasons then the ones Treat-Giver was thinking of.

I had been thinking of returning to Hogwarts to see Food-Bringer. The night before I left, Stupid-Boy came back. Smart-Girl smacked him. I laughed. Huh. Good Times.

Anyway, I left. They were sad to see me go. Oh well.

We didn't stay at Hogwarts long. Stupid-Boy was seen when they all got themselves kidnapped('cause of the taboo), and we had to go. So we're in hiding. Eventually I thought "Well, this is boring", and left for Hogwarts. I've been staying in the Room of Requirement with Neville and the D.A.

Finally, Treat-Giver came. How did I know this? Round about 50 people screaming it while I WAS TAKING A NAP!

To my extreme pleasure, Whiny-Girl squirmed when Food-Bringer told Ploverle-Snorkack to take Treat-Giver to the tower of Ravenclaw rather than Whiny-Girl.

He was busy looking for the diadem of Ravenclaw when I decided it was time to step in. So I, Arnold the Pygmy Puff, took charge. I had already made it very clear between Smart-Girl and Stupid-Boy that I was their leader. So it wasn't _that _difficult.

"Stupid-Boy?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Smart-Girl?"

"Yes, Lord Arnold?"

"Minions, to the loo." I had been struck with the inspiration. Basilisk fangs!

"U-No-Poo?" questioned a confused Stupid-Boy, stupidly.

"No! To the loo! The LOO!"

"Who?" asked Ron.

"The Loo! The Bathroom!"

"Oh. . . but. . .why?"

I sighed. "I'll say this one more time." I really needed to get new minions. At least Food-Bringer knew how to cook.

And so we went. Back upstairs, the two servants kissed. _It's a magical soap-opera_, I thought.

Jinxes flew. Hexes. Curses. Blood. Death. Uh-oh. Percy came.

Then, I remembered the old tiara in the room where I had advised Treat-Giver to hide his potions book in the previous year. We got cornered by the Bouncing Ferret, Tweedle-Dee, and Tweedle-Dum(Or, as a more accurate version, Dumb). When the fire threatened to destroy kill them, even after we escaped, Treat-Giver wanted to save them. I, of course, agreed, being the kind and just all powerful ruler I am.

I was seperated from Treat-Giver. By the time I had caught up. . . I was shocked to the point of being scared.

Treat-Giver was dead.

Outraged cries from the crowd broke out. When chaos erupted. . . it was unforgettable.

Flame-Hair danced, Ploverle-Snorkack and Smart-Girl helping. They shot hex after hex towards the crazy lady. The killing curse shot past Flame-Hair. I cried in fury. The Frying-Pan Freight barreled past. Before I knew it. . . the crazy lady was dead.

Moldy Voldy screamed. A sheild spell was cast between him and Mrs. Frying-Pan, and the invisibility cloak was whipped off by an unseen hand. There stood Treat-Giver, very much alive.

He shot a red stream of light at the green streaking toward him after some small talk. Then, Voldy was dead.

Later, as Harry settled down in the dormitory of Gryffindor, I came up to him. "You are changed. You are a warrior. Go see Ginny."

I followed him as he took my advice.

I didn't need to hear what they said to know that I was right about them. They kissed, and I felt triumph.

Additional Notes: _I'm always right. _

Signed,

The Superior One aka Arnold the Pygmy Puff


End file.
